Managing Sibling Rivalry

It is human nature to feel competitive and envious toward others. A moderate spirit of competition is a positive and productive attribute in school and in business. Sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up in families. The competition between siblings starts when the second child is born. Unfortunately, many parents ignore it and some even make the situation worse.

When occasional fighting becomes a constant series of arguments and fights, it must be dealt with to avoid years of discord and even potential danger. Here are some tips that will help you lessen your frustration over argumentative brothers and sisters and help them learn to get along better.

Do your best to offer each of your children equal amounts of praise and attention. This is true if they are competing for your attention or if they are participating in a school or sports activity.

Encourage your children to participate in activities that they truly enjoy. Don't expect them to always join activities that they must do together or where they will be competing against each other.

Children sometimes perceive that their parents favor one child over the others. While some parents do prefer one child to the others, it is usually not a conscious choice. If your child tells you that you favor his or her sibling, pay attention to your behavior; maybe there is some truth to it. However, if you know you are being fair or if there is a valid reason for treating one child differently, stand firm. Sometimes children use the "favorite child" complaint as a way to make you feel guilty and give them what they want.

Sometimes one child is more cooperative or better behaved than another. It's normal to compare siblings, but it's generally better not to talk about it. Comparing two kids doesn't help improve their behavior; instead, it intensifies the sense of envy and jealousy. A more constructive strategy is to limit your comments to the problem behavior. Always avoid telling one child that his or her sibling does something better.

Make it a rule that family members may become involved in incidents between siblings only if they actually saw what happened. This keeps people from being manipulated.

Realize that younger children can be the aggressors. Don't automatically rush to their defense.

If two kids are fighting over a toy, take it away. This discourages them from arguing over who can play with what.

When two kids are fighting, make them share a chair and look at each other in a mirror. With all the goofy faces they make in the mirror the disagreement is soon forgotten and they are laughing like best friends.

If the kids continue the fight after a few minutes in the chair, assign them a chore to do. The excess energy they are directing toward each other is soon put to better use setting the table or picking up the toys.

Use the Active Listening technique to allow siblings to express their feelings. When kids fight, parents often try to talk children out of their feelings by saying things like "Stop arguing with Tony, Sarah. You know you love your brother." Instead, you could acknowledge the child's feelings by saying, "Sounds like you're pretty upset with Tony." You might be surprised to see that this defuses the emotion and enables Tony to move on to something else.

When you give things to children, base your choices on their individual needs and interests. If you try to avoid arguments by giving equal gifts to each child, they will inevitably find something about them that is unfair.

When your children are in an argument, avoid taking sides. If you can, encourage them to work out their differences. It is almost impossible to try to determine who started a fight. Even if you know who started the argument, taking sides only makes things worse. If your children learn that you will not enter their minor disagreements, they will have to learn to settle things between themselves.

Take a parent education instructor course. As you educate yourself about parenting, you will change some of your attitudes toward your children and learn new ways to interact with them. You can have the kind of family you want if you are willing to work at it, make some changes in your own behavior, and be patient for things to improve.

You may think that rivalry will stop magically if only you learn to do the right thing. However, learning new behaviors takes a lot of time and persistence.

It is important to address the issues of sibling rivalry when children are young, because it can intensify and persist as children become adults. It is important not to give up when you feel frustrated. Things may even seem like they are worse before they start to improve. Because of your efforts and persistence, your children will learn how to get along better. That will prepare them to have productive relationships in the future.

By Garrett Coan

Surviving as a Single Parent

Emotional Overload

Many single parents say they deal with a variety of emotional issues that you might describe as "extra baggage." Some examples include:

? Self-pity

? Depression

? Guilt

? Anger

? Envy

? Fear

? Severe money problems

? Loneliness and isolation

? Frustration

? Exhaustion

These issues present such a challenge because they undermine your daily functioning and emotional well-being. But they can be managed successfully so that you manage your family in a positive way.

10 Ways to Speed Your Recovery Process

Becoming divorced or widowed and then facing years of single parenting is a shock to anyone who experiences it. You will need to take steps to recover and heal. Here are some suggestions:

1. Some churches, synagogues, counseling centers, and therapists offer free and low-cost divorce recovery workshops and grief support groups. Look for them in the newspaper and Yellow Pages. If you don't see any listed, call a few places that may be able to refer you.

2. Look for local peer support groups and networks.

3. If you have access to the Internet, search for support services in your area.

4. Also on the Internet, look for chat rooms or bulletin boards where single parents post messages and share ideas.

5. Find library books for kids about divorce and single-parent families, and read them together. Take the time to talk about how they relate to your situation and encourage your kids to talk about their feelings.

6. Find a support group for children of divorce.

7. Tell your children's teachers and the school psychologist that you are a single-parent family. Let them know that you welcome feedback and suggestions on coping with your circumstances.

8. When you are ready, investigate groups like Parents Without Partners for single adults. You need to be with other adults who have similar interests.

9. Learn to help your kids talk about what is happening to them.

10. Learn conflict resolution and problem-solving skills.

Single-Parent Survival Strategies

In addition to recovering from the loss of a partner, you will need to take action to survive and thrive in the coming years. The following strategies provide a starting place.

1. Watch out for too many changes in your life as you recover from both the loss of your spouse and the resulting changes in your life circumstances. Change causes stress, and you have enough right now.

2. Realize and accept that you must get help with your single-parenting responsibilities. It is unrealistic to think that you can do it alone.

3. Manage your own emotions so you will be able to help your child manage his or her struggle. Learn as much as you can about how children respond to divorce, the death of a parent, or life in a single-parent home. Do not expect your child to respond the same way you do. Take your child's developmental stage into consideration when responding to his or her behavior.

4. Give your children permission to talk to you about their feelings.

5. Keep appropriate boundaries.

? Don't give in to the temptation to let your child take care of you.

? Let your children be children.

? Avoid burdening them with your feelings and the facts of the divorce or death of your spouse.

? Find another adult to be your sounding board.

6. Let people help you.

? If it is impossible to reciprocate, say so.

? People know that your life isn't like it used to be.

? Don't let your inability to reciprocate prevent you from accepting what people willingly offer.

7. Let go of your need for perfection. You will have much more stress if you don't lower your expectations.

8. Even though you are unable to be present as much as in the past, your children still need adult supervision. Look for ways for other adults to look in on your kids when they are home alone, even when they are teenagers.

9. Just because your child appears to be handling his or her emotions well, don't assume that he or she is okay. Some kids respond to parent loss by becoming overly responsible or by closing down their emotions. They may need to hear, "Tell me how you're feeling."

10. While it is important to listen and accept your children's feelings, it is equally important to set limits on behavior.

11. Cultivate your ability to be flexible and find creative ways to solve problems.

12. Learn to set priorities. Do the most important things first.

13. Trust your gut feelings. Pay attention to your instincts and act on them.

14. Simplify as many things as possible in your life. You cannot afford to keep it complicated.

15. Find an outlet for your anger. If a friend is not available, look for a minister, rabbi, or professional counselor. If money is an issue, look for a therapist who will see you for a low fee.

16. Teach yourself to let go of guilt. You don't have time for it, and it's not necessary.

17. Focus on issues you have control over. If something is beyond your control, don't waste your emotions on it.

18. Create a ritual to mark the change in your circumstances. This could be a funeral for your spouse or a ceremony to acknowledge your divorce.

19. Keep a private journal in which you express your feelings. Be sure to keep it in a private place where your children won't find it. A journal provides a place to express anger, sadness, loneliness, and fear-all of those feelings you feel every day as a single parent.

20. Remind yourself that recovering from divorce or the death of a spouse will take time. Your recovery will happen on its own schedule, and it will happen. You will get through this intact.

21. Learn to be assertive. You can't say yes to every request, whether it is from your family members or people in the community who want your time and resources. If you give it all away, you will have nothing left for yourself.

22. Find ways to take care of your body. Get regular checkups and make time to exercise. You need rest now more than ever. Watch your alcohol intake.

23. Find someone who will listen to you. Sometimes you have to ask, for example, "I need a sounding board right now. Can I have 15 minutes of your time?"

24. Rent a sad movie and let yourself cry (when the kids aren't around). Crying allows you to release the sadness that you are sure to feel.

25. Do at least one fun thing for yourself every week.

26. In your private journal, make a list of all the things you're afraid of.

27. In your private journal, make a list of all the things you worry about.

28. Get together with other single-parent families. Sharing times with people facing similar issues can make you feel normal.

By Garrett Coan

Powerful Tips for Increasing Your Childs Self-Esteem

Here is a list of ways to convey the message "You are worthwhile" to your children. This list could fill a hundred newsletters, since the ways to raise responsible, happy children are limited only by our imaginations. Here are some places to begin.

1. Tell her on a regular basis that you love her. Actually say the words. If you think, "I don't have to tell her. She knows," you are wrong. It doesn't count if you think it but don't say it out loud.

2. Tell him that you are glad he is your child. Say the words and mean them. If you don't feel it, there is something wrong and you should find out what's going on. We all have moments when we have a hard time getting in touch with our positive feelings for our children. I'm not talking about those times. I'm talking about in general, most of the time, if you're not feeling good about being your child's parent, something is wrong. He will never feel good about himself if he senses that you are not connected to him.

3. Give her an example to follow. Take the time to teach her the steps. Kids need models. It's unfair to expect that she will know what to do in her daily life if you haven't shown her how to do it.

4. Spend time with him. If you are absent most of the time, he notices, and he probably thinks it's because he isn't important enough.

5. Look at her when you speak to her. This conveys, "This is important and you are important."

6. Look at him when he speaks to you. This conveys, "What you are saying is important. You are important."

7. Explain why. It takes more time, but it conveys that she is important enough to spend the time helping her understand. When you explain why, you are also saying, "I understand that you need to know why. I am going to help you meet your needs."

8. When he tells you about something that happened, ask him how he feels about it. Take the time to listen to his answer.

9. When you ask a question, encourage her to elaborate. Say, "Tell me more about that," or ask, "What was that like?"

10. When you ask a question, don't interrupt when she is answering.

11. When you ask a question, watch your responses. Don't disagree or criticize his answer. This teaches him that it isn't safe to be candid and will make him edit what he tells you.

12. Take her seriously.

13. Participate in the driving. The kids whose parents never help with the driving feel bad about themselves.

14. Say no when you need to say no. Kids need to know there are limits and that some things are outside of those limits.

15. When you say no, explain why.

16. When you say yes, explain why.

17. Set a positive example with your own behavior. You can only expect her to behave with dignity and self-respect if she sees you doing it.

18. When you lose your temper or make a mistake, apologize. Say that you are sorry, be specific about what you are sorry for, and give him a chance to respond.

19. When you know that you have disappointed him, acknowledge it. Ask him how he feels about it.

20. Spend time alone with her. Arrange activities for just the two of you.

21. Ask him what he would like to do.

22. Give her a private space where she can express herself.

23. Respect his privacy.

24. If he did a good job on something, say so.

25. If she didn't do such a good job on something, point out what she did well.

26. After a disappointment or failure, ask, "What did you learn from the experience?"

27. When you are giving feedback, describe specific behavior. For example, "I like how you asked the question so politely" or "You still need to pick up the towels off the floor."

28. When there is a problem, focus on the issue, not the child. For example, "You didn't do the last ten problems on this assignment" is more constructive than "You never finish anything."

29. Ask what he thinks.

30. Let her be the one to choose the restaurant, movie, or activity some of the time.

31. Ask him to go with you on routine errands just because you want to spend some time with him.

32. Touch her when you talk to her.

33. Give him a hug at least every few days.

34. Go in and say goodnight before she goes to sleep. (This is easy to forget once they become teenagers.)

35. Look up and smile when he walks into the room.

36. Introduce yourself when she is with a new friend.

37. Ask her to tell you about the book she is reading or the movie she just saw.

38. Review child development literature regularly to stay updated on what is normal at each age and stage. It is important to recheck your standards and expectations to be sure they are realistic for the child's age and individual abilities.

39. Look for ways to maintain your own self-esteem. If you are unhappy, discontent, or disappointed in how your life is turning out, it will be difficult for you to build the self-esteem of your children.

40. Every child needs to be the object of a parent's undivided attention on a regular basis.

41. Make certain that your body language matches your words. If they are out of synch, he will be aware of it.

42. Be yourself. Tell the truth.

43. Be appropriate. You don't have to say everything that is on your mind or tell him things he isn't ready to know.

44. If you show that you accept yourself and your actions, you give permission to her to do the same.

By Garrett Coan

Managing Your Stepfamily

If you are a member of a stepfamily, you know how difficult it can be to integrate all of the new members and adjust to the new boundaries and rules. The following ideas may help you make a successful transition during this challenging process.

Have patience. Establishing new families takes time. Just because you love your new partner, it is unrealistic to think that you will automatically love his or her children. It is equally unrealistic to expect that your new partner's children will instantly love you. It can be difficult to accept that even though you wish to have a relationship with your stepchildren, they may not be ready for a relationship with you.

Expect to adjust. With proper help and guidance, children can recover from family disruption. All children experience a difficult adjustment period following a divorce or remarriage.

It takes time, patience, and perhaps some professional assistance, but most children are able to regain their emotional bearings. It is critical that the adults manage their own emotional recovery in order to help the children adjust without trauma.

If you are part of a part-time stepfamily, you may need a longer adjustment period. All relationships take time to grow and develop. When stepchildren see you less often, you have less time to get to know each other. This is why it may take a part-time stepfamily longer to move through the adjustment process.

Don't expect your new family to be like your first family. If you expect that your stepfamily will be just like the family of your first marriage, you are setting yourself up for frustration. Your new family will have its own unique identity and will evolve in its own special way.

Expect confusion. Forming a stepfamily is a confusing time for everyone. Think about how confusing it is for a child to become part of two new families. All of the family members-parents and children-must learn to understand the new structure and learn to navigate the boundaries.

Allow time for grieving. Stepfamilies begin with an experience of loss, and everyone needs to grieve. The adults' losses are not the same as those of the children, and both must be respected. Adults grieve the following losses:

? The loss of a partner

? The loss of a marriage relationship

? Lost dreams of the way they thought it would be

? They must adjust to changes that result from the divorce or death (moving to a new house, starting a new job, adjusting to changes in lifestyle, etc.)

Children grieve, too. Their losses are usually different from those of their parents:

? They may now be living with one parent instead of two.

? They may have less time with one or both parents during times of dating and remarriage.

? There may be less stability in their homes.

? They must adjust to changes that result from the divorce or death. (They may have a new place to live and go to a new school; they may have lost friends in this process.)

? They have lost the fantasy of how they wanted their family to be.

Children have an especially difficult time resolving their grief when their parents are hostile with one another, when one or both of their parents remarry, and if they have trouble accepting their new stepparents.

Acknowledge the absent parent. When one of the original parents is absent, the children need a special kind of understanding. An absent parent (who has died or who lives elsewhere and doesn't visit) is part of a child's past. The child must be allowed to have memories of this parent. The children who have access to both of their parents are those who adjust the best to divorce. They should be allowed to regularly speak with, visit, and write to their noncustodial parent.

Help the kids fit in. Children of stepfamilies belong to two households. It is understandable that they have questions about where they fit in. They are usually able to adjust to having two sets of rules as long as they are not asked to choose which is better.

Be clear about the rules. Ideally, both sets of parents should discuss the family rules and what will happen if rules are broken. When the adults agree on the rules, they should explain them to the children. Most successful stepfamilies have learned that the rules should be decided together in the beginning, and that the biological parent should do the explaining and disciplining. The stepparent may have more involvement after the relationships with the stepchildren have been established. All of this works best when the parents can agree to be flexible and cooperative with one another. This may be difficult immediately following a divorce or remarriage, but it is important to work toward this objective.

Educate yourselves and seek emotional support. Read books about managing stepfamilies, attend classes, and participate in stepfamily support groups. Seek the help of an experienced mental health professional to help you through the rough spots. Marriage and Family Therapists have specific skills and training for working with families and stepfamilies.

Give the kids their own space. Make physical space available for the children who don't live with you. Children need a sense of belonging. Creating a room or section of a room for visiting children will help them feel like part of your family.

Expect them to think it's temporary. Accept the fact that your children may expect you and their other parent to reconcile. They may fantasize that your new relationship with your partner is only temporary. This is especially true in the beginning. Find a time to sit down with the children and explain that when two people are unable to live together anymore, it doesn't mean they love their children any less. This is especially important for the parent who has moved away, since the children will inevitably feel a sense of rejection.

Expect resentment. No matter how good a parent you are, you will never be the biological parent of your stepchildren. It is natural for a stepchild to feel some resentment for you, especially when you are setting limits for their behavior.

Show the children love. Sometimes children need love the most at a time when it is the most difficult to give it to them. While bad behavior should never be rewarded, always praise children when they are behaving well.

By Garrett Coan

Crazy Colors Fun Kid Experiment as a Party Activity

Here is an easy, inexpensive and fun kid experiment for your next kid birthday party.

This activity, which is strictly speaking a kid science experiment, can be used in any party as entertainment. Even better: have a "Mad Chemist" theme and use this idea as one of the kid experiments.

Fill a plate or saucer with milk and put in a few drops of food coloring on top of the milk in different spots. The smaller the drops the better.

Use a spoon to pour a small amount of dishwashing liquid into the milk. Pouring it into the center works best.

Now watch the colors dance and explode.

This might sound very simple to you, but I've done this a few times with kids aged 6 - 10 and was amazed at how much pleasure this gave them! Let them each do their own - provide different colors and encourage them to try out different things. You will be amazed at the beautiful patterns they manage to create. Allow them to repeat the process a few times. They'll get the hang of it after one or two tries. If the kids are too small to do it themselves, you can do it as a demonstration. Or, why not just let them bring old clothes with, put down lots of old newspapers and allow them to make a big mess. They will love you for it!

Explanation: Water has a "skin" called surface tension. This is a force on the surface of water which pulls it inwards. Soap or dishwashing liquid breaks down the surface tension and stops the skin from forming. This stops water sticking together in drops and so it flows more easily into all the places where dirt collects.

By Anne-Marie Killer

Paediatric Osteopathy

All babies cry, but if yours cries a lot, isn't sleeping or is just plain irritable, many parents have found that a paediatric osteopath can help, particularly if the birth was difficult.

By gently touching a baby, an osteopath can use manipulation to ease the tension and help improve the way baby's body functions. During birth and pregnancy your baby's body is subject to considerable pressure and can suffer physical strain.

Andy Naddick, from the Osteopathic Centre for Children says: 'All your baby's systems are interconnected - the skeleton, the muscles, the internal organs and so on. If pressure or tension occurs in one area, the effect can continue throughout the body. For example, if there's an imbalance in the shoulder, your baby may hold her body awkwardly, which in turn may cause irritation in the chest or tummy, affect her digestion and even sleep patterns.' An osteopath uses gentle touch to find the parts of the body which may become stressed, strained or unaligned.

At your first visit to an osteopath he will take notes about your pregnancy and the birth to identify any problems. He will then examine your baby and very gently work on her body using subtle manipulation.

'Each child and every treatment is different' says Andy, 'but most babies usually only need three or four sessions to assess response to treatment. Your baby grows fast and has great potential for change and improvement, so getting her back to "normal" doesn't take long.'

Paediatric osteopathy has been shown to be effective with many serious conditions including epilepsy and cerebral palsy. It is also helpful for the following baby problems:



Wind and tummy pains.

Prolonged bouts of crying.

Fractiousness and irritability.

Frequent waking.

Feeding difficulties.



All osteopaths undertake four years training, followed by a further two years in paediatric osteopathy.

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Author: Tony Luck

Teach Your Kids to Cook Well, Eliminating Excessive Health Care Needs in the Future

We are all aware of the child obesity epidemic that has not only attacked the United States, but internationally as well. To keep our children healthy and keep health care costs down, we must examine even the simplest angles to prevent this problem.

33% of boys and 27% of girls are considered overweight according to the American Obesity Association's latest numbers. 15% of children are obese.

It is necessary to educate our children about healthy eating and proper physical fitness before their weight gets out of control. The statistics are readily available through an internet search and they definitely speak for themselves. There is no need to go deeper into them for our purposes.

One of the best ways to start your children on the right path is to cook together. As evident in my college roommates, cooking knowledge is no longer passed down from generation to generation. It seems we have a tendency to rely too heavily on processed foods that are minutes away from the dinner table.

Learning to cook is one of the best things a person can learn. They will be more apt to eat healthier foods while staying away from fast food and microwave dinners. An avid cook tries new foods and learns to get the most out of them.

Cooking with your kids will give them a basic foundation and possibly a passion for the culinary. They will take these skills with them and they will not be afraid of the kitchen.

When they head to college, they will save money by shopping at the grocery store and not spending it on junk hamburgers with a super-sized order of french fries and a gigantic soda. They will know how to battle their way through the kitchen, and who knows, maybe you will have learned something for yourself.

By Robb Ksiazek

Overscheduled Kids

Time devoted the better part of an issue to it. Newsweek featured an article titled "Busy Around the Clock." Articles with titles like "Whatever Happened to Play?" "Pushing Children Too Hard," and "Are You Over-Scheduling Your kids?" show up in print media and on the Internet. Books with titles like Hyper-Parenting: Are Your Hurting Your Child by Trying Too Hard? are appearing on bookshelves.

Child development specialist David Elkind writes: "Parents are under more pressure than ever to overschedule their children and have them engage in organized sports and other activities that may be age-inappropriate." Most agree the practice is today's status symbol among families. In short, a superkid is a child pressured by parents and by society in general to do too much too soon. It's a phenomenon in our society in an escalating trend - with no end in sight. It's a frightening thought.

Writing in the magazine Child Care Information Exchange, Johann Christoph Arnold says: "The pressure to excel is undermining childhood as never before." He also asks: "Why are we so keen to mold [children] into successful adults, instead of treasuring their genuineness and carefree innocence?"

We have the best intentions, of course. We want our children to be happy; we equate happiness with success. And we fervently believe that success won't come unless we give our children a head start - a jump on the competition as it were.

But at what cost will all of this "success" come? If children don't learn to play as children, they aren't likely to discover its value as adults. And, oh, what a dreary, deadening existence daily life will become. Think about the following questions, really pondering each for a moment:

* If children begin living like adults in childhood, what will there be left to look forward to?

* What's to ensure they won't be burned out from all the pushing and pressure before they've even reached puberty?

* If we've caused them to miss the magic of childhood, how will they ever find the magic necessary to cope with the trials and tribulations of adulthood?

* What will become of the childlike nature adults call on when they need reminding of the delight found in simple things - when they need to bring out the playfulness that makes life worth living?

* What joy will our children find as adults if striving to "succeed" becomes life's sole purpose?

Childhood is not a dress rehearsal for adulthood! It is a separate, unique, and very special phase of life. And we're essentially wiping it out of existence in an effort to be sure our children get ahead. But when did we decide that life was one long race? When, exactly, did life become a competition?

Young children are not internally motivated to succeed; their only motivation comes from the value we place on success. And they don't want to let us down. As a result, stress is often a principal factor in the life of a superkid. Of course, into every life a little stress must fall. But when it becomes more than a person is capable of handling, it becomes unhealthy. Studies have shown that the brains of stressed preschoolers now look remarkably like the brains of stressed adults, which have excessive levels of adrenaline and cortisol, the chemicals responsible for the body's fight-or-flight reaction. Young children, who don't have the vocabulary or understanding to express what they're feeling, will often act out as a way of coping.

But there's more than stress involved in pushing children onto the fast track to success before they even understand the concept. For one thing, children aren't allowed to discover motivation on their own - and motivation is often more important to success than talent. Pushed children never have the opportunity to discover who they are. And they never learn to be at ease with themselves when alone, with time on their hands. Having experienced life "by the clock" - and almost constantly surrounded by others - these kids have never learned the joy of solitude, of having only oneself for company. Not only does this mean they're unable to practice self-reflection, but they're also unable to simply be.

Not long ago, in an attempt to help adults realize the folly of all work and no play, a saying began appearing on bumper stickers and in e-mails. It read: "No one ever said on his deathbed, 'I wish I'd spent more time at the office.'" Whether or not the saying had the desired effect remains to be seen, as adults appear as determined as ever to fill up their time with accomplishments. But someone had the right idea, and evidently quite a few people agreed with the sentiment. Isn't it now time to consider the same sentiment as it relates to children? Is there anyone who would say, at the conclusion of childhood, "I wish I'd had less time to play"? Who, after all, wants to look back on life and regret passing up that one and only opportunity to just be a kid?

By Rae Pica

Second Letter to My Daughter

Dear Camille,

As I thumb through the photographs that I carry with me always in my briefcase, it's hard to fathom that the short haired, smiling baby holding a crawfish and wiggling its claws has turned into the beautiful goldilocks girl that demands the stage and wants so much to sing.

I feel like such a cliché-all those veteran parents telling us how quickly you would grow up, how it would be over before we know it, how we had best pay attention before it all ended.

They were right.

I can't believe you turned three.

I can't believe the seasons change so fast, the questions change so fast, though the answers seem so much alike.

I sit on airplanes and think of you often, what kind of stewardship do we offer, who truly teaches who, the empty feeling that hovers around me like a morning mist when we spend too much time apart.

I ponder the choices, the justifications, the selfishness that allows laziness to creep in, the myriad moments of ire that warrant only tenderness, the loss of control over small matters of tedium, the fragile balance between patience, guidance and the human condition that reveals its shadowy self in petty outbursts, orders and even shouting matches-the release valve that leaves ashes of hurt with little resolve.

What is my job?

Outside of protection from physical harm, I bob on this sea of life like a tiny cork in a hurricane, reaching within, seeking, trying to embrace and express, wondering how I might ever qualify to tell you or anyone how to live.

In the end, the old adage that the more we know the more we realize we don't know takes hold, anchors me to a journey of discovery and serves as a reminder that my conundrum evaporates if I focus on love, my role to baste you in it, wrap you up in a love cloud and cover you with a love blanket, that you may grow in love and let the other lessons flow to you and through you at your own pace.

This I can do, shrug off the coat of inadequacy and give you another hug, another kiss, another kind word, another minute when minutes run short, another chance, another smile, another deep breath to choke down the critic or the tyrant or the fictional pundit that so quickly jumps to judgment and wants to intervene.

No, father doesn't know best.

Father struggles to understand.

Father wrestles with his most important job.

Father tries so hard to heed his own counsel, to listen-both to the words and the unspoken, the undercurrents, the needs, the emotions that rage, then play, then rage, then rest, then come back to rage again.

Father cares-though the jumbled blend of empowerment, co-dependency, heart, guilt, duty, honor, passion and profound, profound affection sometimes do more to confuse than enlighten.

I guess we all tread the path, rain or shine, winter and summer, paved flat and mountainous, rocky trails.

Father loves.

Father loves you, with all my might, a job I relish.

As long as the ticker ticks, it will always tick for you.

Dada

That's A View From The Ridge?

By Ridgely

Protect your Kids Early with Safety Glasses

What exactly makes safety glasses different from regular glasses? There are several reasons glasses will be rated as safe. They must not only cover the front of the eyes but also the top and sides as well so small particles can't enter the eye. You can find inexpensive shields from a home improvement store that will also go over your regular eyeglasses. These types of glasses fog easily making them difficult to see out of. Safety glasses with polycarbonate lenses are very protective and more comfortable if professionally fitted. There is an industry ANSI standard that must be adhered to if glasses and frames can be rated as safety. They need to be sturdy and survive a test where a ball is dropped on the lens. Whatever job you have where safety glasses are required, you will know if you need high impact or basic impact lenses.

Bits of wood or metal can easily fly into the eye. Chemicals emit gases or can splash into the eye creating serious problems. You should have water accessible if you work with chemicals as flushing them quickly helps alleviate some of the damage done by the chemicals. Special face shields may be what you need to prevent this from happening. If you have a prescription lens, some companies require prescription safety glasses also. Your eye doctor can find these for you. If you require a prescription lens and need safety glasses but you can't see because of the safety glasses requirement, you will be less efficient at work and less safe. If laser pointers are something you use in your job, know that staring into one for a short period of time may cause temporary blindness. Flying cork bottles can rupture an eyeball and fireworks have also been known to damage the eyes of children and adults.

There are many styles on the market for sports enthusiasts and this is one of the fastest growing industries in the field of safety glasses. Shooting glasses should feature side temple guards as well as high impact lenses. The frames will feature a sweat bar across the top and smooth rounded edges so sharp corners don't dig into the face. Many shooters like colored lenses because they block glare and haze. Protective goggles and masks are good for the swimmer or scuba diver, and snow skiers need total goggles for protection from wind, snow and ice. If you thought you looked funny when you wore protective eyewear while playing handball or other fast action sport, consider the thought of what it would feel like to be blind and not being able to see much of anything from a sports injury. Make sure the fit is proper so they actually perform the function they are meant to do. The loose fitting safety glasses will fall off easily or if they are uncomfortable you won't wear them. Parents are concerned about helmets for their children for many sports; just don't forget about your children wearing safety glasses as well. Check the fit every year as they won't fit as the child grows. Start them early thinking about caring for their eyes and they will be safer and think about it more as they grow into adults.

By Beverly Marshall

Top 25 Children Quotations

"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
-- Franklin P. Adams

"A child reminds us that playtime is an essential part of our daily routine."
-- Anonymous

"Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own."
-- Aristotle

"Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them."
--James Baldwin

"The best inheritance a person can give to his children is a few minutes of his time each day "
--O. A. Battista

"Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home."
-- Bill Cosby

"There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone, or forbid your children to do it."
-- Monta Crane

"The children despise their parents until the age of 40, when they suddenly become just like them - thus preserving the system."
-- Quentin Crewe

"Your children will see what you're all about by what you live rather than what you say."
-- Wayne Dyer

"The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives."
-- Albert Einstein

"We find delight in the beauty and happiness of children that makes the heart too big for the body."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Teach your child to hold his tongue; he'll learn fast enough to speak."
-- Benjamin Franklin

"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."
-- Theodore M. Hesburgh

"I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation Where they will not be judged by the color of their skin But by the content of their character."
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

"The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy."
-- Sam Levenson

"Children need love, especially when they don't deserve it."
-- Harold Hulbert

"If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do matters."
-- Jacqueline Lee Bouvier Kennedy Onassis

"Children are living jewels dropped unsustained from heaven."
-- Robert Pollok

"Good parents give their children Roots and Wings. Roots to know where home is, wings to fly away and exercise what's been taught them."
-- Jonas Salk

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."
-- Angela Schwindt

"I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere."
--James Thurber

"Child rearing myth #1: Labor ends when the baby is born."
-- Unknown

"Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said."
--Unknown

"Children are the sum of what mothers contribute to their lives. "
--Unknown

"When you put faith, hope and love together, you can raise positive kids in a negative world."
-- Zig Ziglar

By Danielle Hollister

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Childhood Obesity

Economist John Kenneth Galbraith has said that more people die in this country of too much food than of too little. It's an appalling notion - but an accurate one. As of 1999 more than 60 percent of American adults were overweight or obese - and obesity among children was increasing faster than among adults. In 2000, 22 percent of U.S. preschoolers were overweight and 10 percent clinically obese.

Nevertheless, there are many who consider obesity an individual responsibility. Writing in the Los Angeles Times in December 2001, Brian Doherty ridiculed former surgeon general David Satcher's "fat war." He called on taxpayer-funded agencies to think twice about spending Americans' money to lecture us on what he considers a matter of private health. He believes obesity is a condition "caused by freely chosen behavior" and maintains people can simply cure themselves of obesity by eating less and exercising more.

Fair enough. Everyone's entitled to an opinion. But you have to wonder if Mr. Doherty has done any research on this issue - or if he's simply speaking as someone who personally has a handle on his own "love handles." If it's the latter, he's to be congratulated for his self-discipline - but rebuked for not digging a little deeper as a journalist. After all, if the majority of people in this country have a weight problem, we need to look into the reasons why. If there are now nearly twice as many overweight children and almost three times as many overweight adolescents as there were in 1980 - and it previously took 30 years for the number of overweight American children to double - we have to admit that something, somewhere, is very wrong.

Certainly, we all wish the problem would just disappear - that it wouldn't be our problem at all. Who at one time or another hasn't wished for a simple solution to the predicaments that plague us? In this case, if everyone just took personal responsibility for her or his own weight gain, we wouldn't have to spend $100 billion dealing with obesity. And there's no doubt that personal responsibility is a good thing. But David Satcher tells us this is "the most overweight, obese generation of children in our history." Exactly whose responsibility is that? Let's think about it.

Without even taking into consideration the $100,000 paid to schools by soft drink companies to fill our children's bodies with empty calories, there's still the issue of recess and physical education disappearing from the schools. Who's making the decisions to eliminate all physical activity from the school day (where children spend most of their waking hours) despite mounting evidence that children need to move - for the health of both their bodies and their minds? Not the children. Given a choice, they'd happily choose to mix some movement into the day.

There's also the matter of loading children's days with activities that preclude "exercising more." Given a choice - and the opportunity - children might well opt to spend more of their time running, jumping, and breathing hard. But they're not being allowed to "choose freely." Rather, the adults are choosing for them - the very adults who are supposed to know what's best for them and who have been entrusted with their care and protection.

Are the children responsible for the fact that 32 percent of two- to seven-year-olds - and 65 percent of eight- to eighteen-year-olds - have TVs in their bedrooms? Is it their fault they're not born with self-limiting mechanisms - and that too often parents have forgotten how to say no? If young children were able to set their own limits with regard to television viewing and computer and video use, they'd need parents only to provide food, clothing, and shelter.

The problem is, once a child is obese because of these adult-made decisions, the odds are pretty much stacked against him. Not only are behavior patterns, like eating and physical activity habits, established in childhood (educational psychologist Benjamin Bloom contended that 90 percent of an individual's habits and traits are set by age twelve), but long-term studies have also shown that excess body fat tends to persist throughout childhood and into adulthood.

And it's no wonder. Not only will "supersized" servings confront her at every turn, but also physical activity will become an even smaller part of the overweight child's life as she gets older. This is true of children in general but is even more probable for the overweight child.

Many of us have nightmarish recollections of trying to climb the rope, or being forced to run laps until overcome with nausea, during "gym class." Surely any kind of physical activity would feel equally nightmarish to an overweight child. Even if they're inclined to move, overweight children are often physically incompetent. According to an article at the website of the International Play Equipment Manufacturers Association (IPEMA), during one study approximately 120 children ages three to ten were observed traversing an overhead ladder. The only children unable to cross the ladder successfully were obese. In another study it was determined that even children's walking patterns were affected by overweight, with obese children walking slower, asymmetrically, flat-footed, and with toes turned out. Over time these poor walking habits can result in structural deformities and damage to body tissue. And, of course, if even walking is a challenge, anything beyond that could be perceived as overwhelming.

Is it any surprise, then, that 40 percent of obese children and 70 percent of obese adolescents become obese adults? Indeed, by the time obese children are six years old, their chances of becoming obese adults are over 50 percent. It's a vicious-circle kind of problem. Lack of physical activity is a primary cause of excessive fat accumulation in children. Then, once overweight, children have a tendency to become even less physically active - a tendency that only increases in adolescence.

Sure, Richard Simmons started out as a "fat kid" and managed to overcome the odds, but he's devoted his entire life to it! Not many individuals are likely to hand over the better part of their lives to rid themselves of excessive fat accumulation acquired before they were even old enough to understand the problem.

But something must be done to ensure physical activity is a part of every child's life. Said Dr. Samuel Abate, at a childhood obesity conference sponsored by the North Dakota Department of Health: "The consequences of denying the body exercise are just as severe as depriving it of food, water, or oxygen; it just takes longer to see the consequences."

By Rae Pica

Keep the Little Ones Safe, Follow Pool Safety Guidelines

Pool safety should be on the minds of every parent out there. If you are lucky enough to own an above ground pool or inground pool, you know there are certain safety precautions you must take to protect your children and the children of your friends and neighbors. According to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, 300 children under age 5 die and 2000 more children under age 5 visit hospital emergency rooms for submersion injuries every year. That's staggering. Some of the Sun Belt states list drowning as the leading cause of accidental death in the home of children under 5. These accidents usually occur in pools that are owned by their own family. These accidents happen quickly and a child can drowned in the time it takes to answer the phone. Usually the child that is in trouble is silent as there is no splashing around alerting anyone that they are in trouble. Medical costs are staggering and if the severely injured sustain brain damage, the expenses are even higher. Because of the dangers of a pool in your backyard, most cities require specific guidelines be followed for safety. As a homeowner and pool owner there are things you can do to prevent these accidents.

Barriers such as a fences or walls should be installed as a layer of protection to the child. When it comes to fences, use the rule of "4". This fence needs to be at least four feet tall with no foot steps or hand rails available for the child to grab onto or climb up on. Fence slats should be no less than four inches apart so the child can't squeeze through. Fence latches should be self closing and self latching. Make sure the latch is at a height where the child cannot reach over and unlatch the door. As long as the door latches automatically and closes properly, this is the safest thing you can do for your child. It is sort of the first line of defense against the pool. You can install door alarms for the house so you know when a little one is going outside. You can have an alarm that can temporarily be turned off by an adult. The pool can have a safety cover so no one can fall in. If you own a hot tub or spa you should follow the same barrier guideline as for the pool. Steps and ladders leading from a pool should be locked or removed so little ones aren't tempted to go near the water.

As a parent, you have rules for your children in most things such don't cross the street before you look both ways, and not opening the door to strangers. It should be no different when it comes to pool safety. Rules for your children and the babysitters that take care of them are crucial. Sitters need to understand that there is never a time when the child can be alone around the water even for a second. It would also be a good idea if they were trained in CPR. Don't forget about the drowning time for a child is the time it takes to answer that phone that is ringing inside. If you are having a pool party, there should be a designated watcher for the children at all times. Someone is always on guard. If a child is missing, always check the pool first, top and bottom. Even if your older children know how to swim, they are never drowned proof. They must all be watched closely. Rescue equipment should be always close to the pool and toys should be away from the pool when they are not in use. Pools are fun and like anything else in life can be dangerous if not used correctly. Take the time to properly educate your children about the rules and regulations regarding the pool and you will have a safer children and neighborhood.

By Beverly Hlavka

How to Put Your Kids (Or Grandkids) On the Fast Track to Success

Working with adults (as well as children and teens) for the past 12 years I have noticed that there are just a few primary struggles that most adults face. I also see how better training as a child and teen could have given them the skills and attitudes that would have prevented the problems that they now face.

The primary areas adults struggle with are

1. Money, primarily debt

2. Lack of disciple, or the inability to do what they want to do, be it weight, money, work etc.

3. Relationships

As I see it, much of the way we live our lives is groomed as we grow up. And while we can certainly change, it is harder to do the older we get. This can cut both ways: If we are taught correctly we have a high chance of succeeding as adults and if we are taught poorly, there is a high chance that we will continue those poor habits into adulthood and face many difficulties. The good news? We can put our kids on the fast track to success by diligently applying some basic success skills. To get you started, I've brainstormed some ways you can head off your children's problems years before they face them. Here we go!

To have successful relationships:

Show them unconditional love. No matter what, we are to welcome and love our children. This does not mean that we won't get mad at them from time to time or that we won't discipline them when they cross the line. It means that we will always accept them and treat them with the respect they deserve as human beings, no matter what they have done. It means we do not hold grudges against them. We can disagree or even verbally tangle, but then we bury the hatchet and accept one another.

Teach them manners. There are acceptable ways of behaving. Unfortunately, many people today do not know them! Teach your children how to behave so that others are treated well and do not have to put up with our misbehavior. Why? Because they won't put up with it anyway. Many people will simply write you off and never tell you why.

Help them learn to forgive. Most of the relationship problems I work with boil down to this: The people simply will not forgive one another and continue to hold past wrongs against the other person. Here is the fact, and you have to teach this to your kids: People will wrong you. It is what we do with that and how we react that will determine the health of the relationship in the future.

Help them to be able to focus on and serve others. Many parents make their kid feel like they are the center of the universe. One problem with this: They aren't! The world doesn't revolve around your kids and they can't get their way all of the time. What happens later on in life when little Johnny (who was the center of the universe growing up) marries little Suzie (The center of another universe growing up)? You got it, problems! Now they have to share a universe! Instead we should teach our children to help others. We should teach them to consider other people's interests as more important than our own.

To have successful finances:

Make them EARN money. Sure you can give your kids money - we do. But we should also teach them to earn money. We should give them opportunity to earn money. I don't think a kid should get an allowance for doing chores. Chores are the responsibility of being part of the family. But you can give them extra jobs so they can understand fully the hard work they put in and appreciate the value of the money they receive. This will cause them to handle it better.

Have them give money away. Greed works its wonders on some of the nicest people. That is what I have found. And the best way to break greed is to give money away. Our children give away 10% of every dollar they get. This builds generosity into their hearts. We have been doing it so long that it is just a part of them. How can you be greedy about something you are giving away? And when you give it away you can see the good that it does to the people and organizations you help. (One side story: When my son was younger and got one dollar a week in allowance he would give a dime away. He suggested it would be a good thing if he started getting two dollars - because then he would be able to give two dimes away. I don't know if he was being generous or shrewd!)

Teach them about investing. Yesterday I sat in the car explaining the law of supply and demand with my ten year old. Now he knows what something is "worth." Now he knows why Beanie Babies are so expensive but a very efficient way of separating poor investors from their money. My kids hear about the old guns and butter theory (Guns represent items that appreciate and butter represents the things that melt away. Invest in appreciating assets and you can have all the butter you want later on. Invest in butter and you won't ever have the guns.) These are basic principles that will allow your kids to be financially secure and not strapped later on. They will be the lender and not the borrower.

Teach them to delay self-gratification. I touched on this in the last point. If we teach our kids to delay gratification, they can put themselves into a financial position wherein they can actually afford the item they want rather than put themselves into debt or a precarious position to get it. Besides, half the time when they wait, they don't want it in three weeks!

Teach them to never have any debt! No debt. Never. Period. Nada. Never, ever, ever. Pay cash or wait. Okay, did I get that through? Now let me be a little more temperate. Debt has created more problems I have dealt with than just about any other issue. Marriage problems, emotional problems, work problems, spiritual problems, and physical problems. We should engrain it into our kid's heads that the only acceptable debt is a home mortgage and they should be conservative with that and even pay cash if they can! I hear you, "But I can't get the car I want!" Too bad! See the guns and butter theory above! Your kids will visit your grave every week with flowers after you are gone if you love them and teach them to avoid debt.

To help them be successful in discipline:

Have them do certain tasks/chores on a regularly scheduled basis. Discipline is, well, a discipline. Teach your kids to make their beds every morning. Or do wash every Monday. Or mow the lawn every Saturday morning. Building schedules builds disciplined people who do not procrastinate, who are methodical and who are diligent. These are the people who succeed.

Let them experience discipline and consequences. Consequences are the greatest teachers! Many people who I see fail are people who have never suffered consequences. I know a gentleman who couldn't hold a job. His employers were going to fire him. He was always late and couldn't be relied upon - even by his friends. You never knew if he was telling the truth. One day I was talking to him and he said that he had never been punished or disciplined! The light went on! I finally understood. You know the old saying, "Spare the rod and spoil the child?" I say, spare the rod and you'll raise a criminal! You may not want to let little Johnny experience the pain of consequences, but his boss will let him feel it 20 years from now! Prepare him for success now by making him realize that if he doesn't do what is right, he will spend a lot of time in his room or he will miss out special things. He will grow up to be the most relied upon person in his office and he'll be the boss one day.

Don't protect them from losing. I coached little league football one year. It just so happens we were the youngest team in the league and we were terrible. One game we were getting beat 55-0 with about five minutes to play and I was getting screamed at by an irate parent. I turned to them and said, "You know. I learned some of my best lessons in 55-0 losses. I took a few of them in my athletic career, and I handed a few out too!" Sometimes we win in life, sometimes we lose. We need to learn what it feels like to lose and then get right back out there. It will prepare your kids much better to lose until they win legitimately than to win all the time. I remember one basketball game when I was on my way to about thirty points and a parent from the other team was screaming about it. My brother, who is 13 years older than me told the guy to sit down because I had earned all those point because of how many basketball thrashings I had taken at his hands through the years. Losing made me better!

Teach them to eat right and exercise. Many people struggle with their weight and it is usually because we learned bad habits as kids. We weren't that overweight when we were younger but as our metabolism slows it catches up with us. Teach your kids basic nutritional information. Teach them how Candy bars plus milk shakes plus no exercise equals trouble! When we go to the health club our kids can swim and play all they want in the pool - as soon as they finish their laps!

Teach them to make tough decisions and learn to say "no." The most powerful word in the world! We should teach our children to understand what is the most important - their priorities - and say "no" to everything else. So many people get themselves into trouble and overextended because they do not have the discipline to say "no." The reality is that you will act on an agenda - either yours or someone else's. Saying "no" enables you to stay on track. Teach them to make tough decisions because it is what is right or because it will be better in the long run, rather than on how it will make them feel.

Encourage them to risk failure and try new things. I have met so many people who were always taught to play it safe. And guess what? They are playing it safe, leading, as the quote says, "Lives of quiet desperation." Teach your kids to try new things and give them the opportunity to do so. Help them see the bigger picture when they fail, like what they can learn from the situation so they can win the next time. It is the people who risk failure and try new things who change the world and lead the lives they want to!

Pitch the TV. Okay, my soapbox: Get rid of the television. If you have to have the one-eyed monster in the house just get a monitor so you can watch videos from time to time. I haven't had a TV for 12 years - and I LOVE IT! My kids are healthy, sociable, well-adjusted, smart kids. They have creative imaginations because they have to picture everything themselves rather than rely on someone else's interpretation. They read many grade levels above where they are. They have time to do all sorts of things that they want to because they have an extra 20 hours a week (1040 hours a year) that other kids their age don't! Someday I am going to write a book on benefits and reasons to get rid of the TV because the fact is you will be much better off without it than you are with it! And so will your kids!


By Chris Widener

The Seven Keys of Being a Father

Is there a fathering instinct?

Celebrated child development expert Erik Erikson maintains that adults have a fierce desire to protect and nurture the next generation. This is the generative nature of parenting- to nurture and protect the next generation

We recognise this desire in women as the maternal instinct. Men's strong desire to look after the next generation is best recognised through their protective instincts. Man as hunter and gatherer has always had the survival of his family and community as a motivating force.

But the generative notion of fathering extends way beyond protection of children. Generative fathering means that men help the next generation not just to survive, but to thrive and grow. It is in the wellbeing of the next generation that traditionally men have left their mark.

This generative or instinctive notion of fathering has been lost in recent years as men have spent less time around their children. Fathers may be born to the task of raising children but they need to be around children so they can nudge fathering out them.

Too often fathers see themselves as playing a role, when the essence of fathering is actually embedded in their own psyche and linked to their child's development. According to Erikson there are seven tasks that a father carries out to ensure the well-being of the next generation. It is a brilliant framework that helps men move away from playing roles and gets them to focus on the needs of their children. The seven tasks of fathering, also known as fatherwork, are:

1. Ethical work: Men commit to acting in a child's best interests. Research shows that when men make a strong commitment to look after the well-being of their baby then they will sustain long-term involvement and support for their child. Ethical work is shown when men make decisions about work and careers with their children's best interests in mind.

2. Stewardship work: This aspect of fathering involves men providing for children and also helping them develop the resources and independence to look after themselves. In many ways this shows itself when dads take on a teaching role, which tend to do when they spend time with kids. Listen to a man when he interacts with his son and inevitably he will be showing him how to do something, even if it is how to kick a football.

3. Developmental work: This aspect of fathering refers to the notion of helping children deal with either sudden change, such as a death in the family, or normal developmental changes, such as moving into adolescence. Dads who do this work well support their children though difficulties and respond with understanding to changes in children's development.

4. Recreational work: This aspect refers to men's promotion of relaxation and learning for their children through play. This aspect of fathering tends to be a strong point for many dads, who are the kings of play. It is well-recognised that men play differently with children than mothers, which is fixed in the biological matrix. Men's domain is rough play, sometimes destructive play and often involves a challenge whether intellectual (e.g chess) or physical.

5. Spiritual work: This aspect of fathering involves men helping children develop values and a set of beliefs that will act as a compass as they move through adolescence and beyond. This involves counselling, teaching and advising. Many readers may remember their own fathers delivering stern lectures, which comes from this aspect of fathering. Good intentions, but poor delivery.

6. Relationship work: This aspect of fathering involves men helping children and young people form relationships and friendships. We do this by sharing our love and thoughts, by displaying empathy and understanding for a child and also by facilitating a child's relationships with others. In recent times men have stayed out of this area but it is a part of fatherwork.

7. Mentoring: We complete the cycle by ensuring that we support our own children in their own generative work. This involves giving help, support and ideas for our own children when they move into adulthood. In recent years men have fallen down badly in this area as too many men have shallow relationships with their own fathers.

This framework for fathering has depth and breadth. It works on an instinctive level, but many influences come to bear to prevent this instinct and intuition from informing our action. Often it is useful to ask yourself - "What does this situation with my child require of me?" If a child is having friendship issues at school then relationship work is needed. If a child is feeling stressed and needs to relax then it is time for recreational work. If a child gets worked up through play then it is important to do some stewardship work and ensure a child calms down and regains control before bed. If a child is changing schools then it time for some developmental work, to help him or her cope with change.

If you are a father (mothers can do the same thing), reflect on some of the interactions that you have with children, and determine in which area of fatherwork do they fit. You will find that there is an area for each situation. As you respond to children's needs think about the type of fatherwork you are doing. You will soon discover that you are involved in a variety of very important work. And it will change the way you think about fathering and provide a strong guide to how you should respond to children's future needs.

By Michael Grose

Ultimate Airplane Themed Games & Activities for your Childs Birthday Party

Are you looking for the Ultimate Airplane Themed Party Games and Activities? Well stop looking because they are right here...

Good Luck and happy reading...

"Paper Airplane Contest" Have each child make a paper airplane. Depending on the age of the children, you can either have them create their own, follow a pattern or make them ahead of time. Have various contests, such as, longest flight, highest flight, furthest from a target, best crash, most flips, largest flip, etc. Provide enough categories to allow each child to win a prize.

"Pin the Pilot on the Plane" Draw or copy a picture of a plane on a large piece of paper. Draw an outline where the pilot should be sitting. Make a different pilot for each child and either put a number or name on the pilot to identify the child. You can also cut out a picture of your child and paste him on the pilot's head. Using double face tape, blindfold one guest at a time, spin them around and have them try to place the pilot in the correct location. The child closest is the winner.

"Airplane Search" Fill a large container (swimming pool, sandbox, large bowl, etc work best) with packing peanuts. Put enough die cast airplanes in the container so each child finds one. One at a time, have the children find an airplane. You can time them and see who finds the airplane the fastest. This airplane can go home with them in their goody bag.

"Jet Race" To play this wonderful game, mark a target on the ground a short distance away or make a finish line on the floor with tape. Make a starting line and blow up a balloon for each child. For added effects, place airplane stickers on the balloons. To begin, count down from three. When you say go, each child tries to land his or her "jet" inside the target, or cross the finish line, by tossing or hitting it.

"Musical Planes" Here is one of the children's favorite games. To setup, you need enough airplane cutouts for every child minus one. Check out our Airplane pictures and clipart for some ideas. Place them in a circle so the children have enough room to walk around them. Place the children on the outside of the airplanes and make sure they aren't stepping on them yet. When the music starts, the children will walk around the airplanes. As soon as the music stops, the children have to sit on one of the airplanes. Whoever isn't sitting on an airplane is out. Remove one airplane and continue the game until one child remains.

"Obstacle Course" This game is best played outside in a large open area. Create a runway using masking tape, chalk, cones, etc to mark the boundaries. It should be around 50 feet long and 10 feet wide to allow enough room for the children to maneuver their planes. Get some non-breakable items, such as, bouncy balls, sports balls, tin cans, clothing, toys, blankets, etc. These items are going to represent other planes on the runway.

Next, pair up the children. One child will need to be the pilot and the other will be the air traffic controller. The air traffic controller's job is to guide the pilot (blindfolded) down the runway without running into any other plane (non-breakable items).

How to play: the first pilot stands at the end of the runway with their arms stretched out like a plane. The air traffic controller can stand anywhere along the runway, but the best position is behind the pilot. This will eliminate any confusion when they are using the commands left and right.

Once the pilot is blindfolded, all the other children can throw more objects on the runway to make the challenge even more difficult. After the children have added the extra planes, the controller guides the pilot down the runway using commands like, "Take two steps forward", "One step left", "Two large steps to the left".

If the child crashed, the next team will get to take a turn. Award the team who made it the farthest on the runway, without crashing, a prize.

"Sleep/Stand!" This a great modified game of the old time favorite, Simon Says. Have the children line up and face you, or whoever the caller is. There are only two sayings the children have to listen for: I say sleep or I say stand. When you say, "I say sleep" the children must lie down and pretend to sleep or when you say, "I say stand" the children must stand up. If you say a command without, "I say" and the children do it, then they are out. As the game progresses, say the commands faster. The children will be going up and down so fast they won't even hear the "I say" part. It's a great game and packed full of laughs!

"Where's the Cake?" Children always love to go on a mission to find "something" and this game will definitely be a treat for them. This game is going to require help from friends and be under a lot of adult supervision. Separate the children into two teams and give each team a set of clues and party favors to find. Give each child a bag to put the favors in and make sure that each guest has at least one favor. The clues and favors should lead the children to the cake. Whichever team finds the cake first gets to be served first!

"Airport Field Trip" How cool would this activity be? Do you live near a small municipal airport? A lot of airports will allow you to bring a group of children for a tour of the facility. Give them a call and see if you can plan one during some airplane take-offs and landings. The kids will love this experience and they'll talk about for months!

"Storytime/Videotime" Do you need an activity towards the end of the party which might "calm" the children down? Well, how about a great airplane story or movie? Jay Jay and Friends have a lot of books and movies out and children just love them. Get one and plan it towards the end of the party. This will also give you a chance to do a little cleanup before the parents arrive to pick up their children.

By Geoff Schurman

Back to School Feng Shui

Every school year parents and students dutifully trudge through the malls in search of the perfect sneaker or the cool new outfit for the coming school year. However, it's unlikely that the new shoe or shirt will benefit them as much as a new design in the bedroom. That's because a bedroom makeover will create new interest and energy - what feng shui calls "chi" - in the bedroom that will benefit a child.

According to feng shui, the Chinese technique for design and arrangement, rooms that have good energy, or "chi", create happier, well-adjusted children. Feng shui theories suggest that for a child's room to have good "chi," the room must follow certain guidelines such as that they must be restful, promote good relationships others and generate good self-esteem. Perhaps most importantly, harmonious children's bedrooms encourage good study habits and promote greater success in school.

What does it take to promote greater success in school? According to feng shui, the following seven tips are key to creating rooms that inspire kids to study.

1. The room has a desk.
It sounds obvious, but many kids' only workspace is either a bed, the bedroom floor, or the family dining table. Every child needs a suitable study area in the bedroom that includes a desk, chair, and a lamp. Children with study areas are more likely to study. Better still, having a study area keeps all the school books and papers confined to the child's room. Feng shui also believes it's best for children to study facing the northeast, the direction of wisdom and learning.

2. Ground your kids.
Buy your kids a globe to promote interest in geography and to help "ground" them and encourage them to study. Add a globe in the Northeast corner of the bedroom, if possible.

3. Create an achievement corner.
Every child needs to have recognition for a job well done. A perfect way to gain this is to create an achievement corner on the South wall of the bedroom. According to feng shui, this is the recognition area and is a good place to pin up awards, papers with good grades, letters of recommendation, ribbons or trophies.

4. Hang a crystal in the Northeast corner of the room.
Crystals are used to make computer chips faster. Hang a crystal in the study location to create more "study" chi and to help sharpen the child's ability to "process" or think!

5. Put your child in the command position.
Avoid having children face a wall when studying because this represents an obstacle. They should be able to see the door when someone enters.

6. Display maps and other educational artwork.
Maps are another way to ground educational pursuits. They encourage "worldly" interest and curiosity and they make suitable images for a child's room. Avoid scary creatures, pictures depicting violence, or sad or dark subjects.

7. Eliminate TV from the bedroom.
Sadly many of today's children have TVs in their bedrooms. This is a feng shui no-no because it can make children much less likely to study and rest fully. If your child doesn't study as much as you would like and has a TV in the bedroom, ask yourself what is more important: television or school?

8. Shells and fish are symbols of education.
Conch shells and koi or goldfish are excellent symbols of educational success. Place the conch shell in the Northeast corner of the bedroom. Or, hang a picture of koi or goldfish in the Northeast corner. It is not recommended to keep live fish in the bedroom as water in the bedroom is associated with loss.


By Kathryn Weber

Nail Biting Basics

Nail biting in all its various forms is problematic behavior beset by peculiarity and contradiction. Technically speaking, the correct word for nail biting is ANONYCHOPHAGIA.

Nail biting typically begins between the ages of five and 10 and is common among children as well as adults. As many as one in three Americans bite their nails.

One of the more noteworthy and generally surprising things about nail biting is its high instance. It crosses every social and economic barrier. Prevalence figures for children are much higher than for adults.

Results of nail biting can result in short, ragged nails. It may also lead to damaged cuticles as well as bleeding around the edges of the nails. Infections can also develop if nails are not properly attended to.

Most relevant studies have found that nail biting tends to peak out around puberty.

A study by Malon and Massmer studied the behavior in the Chicago school systems and reported that nail biting is prevalent in about 60 percent of children age eight to eleven.

Most people agree it is a learned habit, perhaps picked up by watching a parent or someone else biting their nails.

Nail biting is an extremely tough habit to break and treatment for it varies.

One possible solution is identifying the reason for nail biting. Avoidance or modification of these situations can be beneficial to the eventual elimination of the habit.

Improving self-esteem is also helpful when attempting to break the habit.

Products such as CONTROL-IT are available on the market and are designed to aid nail biters in breaking their habit. According to www.stopbitingnails.com , CONTROL-IT is a gentle and natural alternative to help prevent biting. A mild unpleasant taste helps to remind users to stop biting their nails.

A host of research efforts both in America and Europe sought to ascertain if in fact nail biting was linked to mental illness in one form or another. Most people would have anticipated they found a high prevalence of nail biting among the mentally disordered; however, they found that nail biting, in and of itself, is not systematic of any form of mental disorder or maladjustment.

Nail biting crosses all national borders, genders, and both social and economic lines and may also originate from a primal need for self-grooming. It affects both the nails and the cuticles; with greater potential harm caused via infection to the cuticle and nail biting tends to be a private affair, and is a relatively isolated form of self-indulgence.

Nail biting may be treated addressing symptom rather than cause; it is a habit, not a disease.

Owner: Christopher Joel Henry; born: December 18, 1958; birthplace: California

Married: Mrs. Trudy Henry

By Mr. Henry

Help Your Child Do Better in School

1. Create a personal schedule
Recording everything that must be done on a calendar or "to do" list will help him to keep track of important dates and deadlines. If he keeps it in a visible place he will have no problem acknowledging upcoming events and will be better able to plan how and where to spend his time.

A "to do" list would also help him to prioritize his tasks. When it comes to homework, whatever is most important should be tackled first.

2. Watch the clock
Setting an alarm for the morning is a must. I also recommend setting his clock or watch five minutes ahead since it's always easy to run late. When it comes to something like catching a bus, just five minutes can make a significant difference.

3. Focus
He should train himself to be able to concentrate solely on one specific task. This is much easier in a noise-free environment. No T.V or radio should be on to distract him.

4. Get enough sleep
Lack of sleep is proven to take a toll on us physically. The more sleep we get, the more alert we are. We thus have more energy to handle life's daily tasks. The average adult needs at least six hours of sleep a night and the average child needs at least eight.

5. Stay in shape
Through spending time outdoors or playing sports with friends, he can "blow off some steam" so to speak, as well as re-energize. Encourage him to get outside.

6. Talk through your problems
Being able to share his concerns with you will alleviate the frustration of keeping things bottled up. Sharing feelings often makes them easier to deal with. If you make it clear that you understand him and are willing to help, not only will you contribute to his emotional health but you'll help build an open and honest relationship as well.

By Denni Gill

Break Free From Power Struggles

You want your daughter to wear a dress to the party. She wants to wear jeans. You want your toddler to take his medicine. He does everything he can to keep that yucky stuff out of his mouth. The more you insist, the more they resist. You can break free from power struggles and turn turbulence into positive growth opportunities by putting a few helpful tips in place:

* Step back and view the big picture. How do you respond when your kids challenge your authority? If you view your kids as "willful," or "bad," consider this: it is developmentally appropriate for kids to test their boundaries. As children grow they have a natural desire to make their own decisions and do things for themselves. They want to separate from their parents and function under their own power. Instead of viewing this as threatening, view it as a necessary part of growing up.

By taking on a big picture view, your emotions won't overpower your judgement when dealing with power hungry kids. When you exert your will through force and intimidation, one of two negative side effects occurs: either your children give in and lose motivation to make decisions for themselves, or they rebel, fighting back against you. When children push for power, remind yourself that a positive response from you can set a course for cooperation and empowerment.

* Break negative patterns. Power struggles follow a pattern like the steps of a dance. They do "this," you do "that." Change the pattern and you change the course of your relationship. Anne has a pattern of engaging Mom in power struggles over her curfew. Anne tells mom, "I'm staying out late." Mom says, "No you aren't." Anne protests. Mom yells. Anne glares. Mom punishes. Anne seeks revenge with rebellious behavior. It's always the same pattern. Once Mom recognized the pattern, she made a conscious decision to change it. The next time Anne said she wanted to stay out late, Mom had a new response. She said, "You really want to stay out late tonight don't you dear?" Anne started to protest out of habit, then looked at Mom in shock. "Yes," Anne said, "I want to stay at Kims house until 11 p.m.." Mom listened to Anne's feelings assuring her that when she got older, she could stay out later.

* Allow kids to make some choices. Lots of parents report success at sidestepping the initial power struggle. Then, they slip back into yelling out orders which sets the pattern back in motion. This can be avoided by giving kids choices that allow both your needs to be met. Judy doesn't want to wash her sticky fingers. Instead of fighting with her, Dad gives Judy a choice, "Do you want to wash with bar soap or liquid soap?" Judy picks liquid soap.

Kids want power. When you give them choices within reasonable limits, it's much easier for them to cooperate. The key to making choices work is to only give choices you are willing to accept. Give "real" choices not manipulative ones, such as this: "You can choose to eat your tuna fish sandwich or choose to lose television for the day." That's not an empowering choice. When you allow children some sense of power in their life, even if it's something small, like what color cup they drink from, what bedtime story they hear, or whether they want to do homework before or after dinner, their esteem grows as they enjoy some control over their lives.

* Empower your kids. When you cannot seem to break free from a power struggle, ask yourself, "How can I empower my child in this situation?" Jane argued with Michael about eating junk food. Every time her back was turned, he devoured everything. Jane decided to give Michael power by telling him, "Michael, I bought one box of girl scout cookies. I will not be buying more snacks until next week. You are in charge of how you want to eat your snacks. You can eat them quickly or make them last throughout the week." Michael counted the cookies in the box and made a remarkably sensible plan for snacking. No more power struggle.

* Do the unexpected. Using humor helps to side step power struggles. Breaking out into a foreign accent or cartoon character voice can lighten the mood. When things are getting tense, wave your hand in the air and say, "Lets erase this whole conversation and start over again." Walk out of the room and come back in, starting over on a calmer note. This can be enough to set things back on track.

* Focus on solutions. Power struggles create a win-lose attitude. No one truly wins unless you both win. Teach kids the importance of listening to and considering each person's point of view. Show them how to look for solutions that work for all. You can say to your child, "Lets see if we can come up with some ideas that take both our needs into consideration."

* Disagreements and disrespect are two different things. Do you believe your children should never say "no" to you? Instead of viewing "no" as a sign of disrespect, view it as a disagreement. We encourage our kids to say "no" to drugs and peer pressure. While teaching kids to stand up for themselves, we must realize there will be times they will stand up for themselves with us. The key is to teach kids to show respect during disagreements. When Andy said, "You can't make me eat those peas. Get them off my plate," it didn't go over well with Dad. He sidestepped the power struggle by saying, "Andy, it's easier for me to be helpful to you if you say something like, 'Dad, I would rather not eat peas with dinner.'" Every time you take a respectful approach with your children you model peaceful ways of dealing with disagreements.

By Marilyn Suttle

To Clean or Not To Clean

Before my daughter was born my house was so tidy and immaculate that you could eat off the floor! Dishes were done immediately (no dishwasher here!), the toilet was cleaned every morning and the house was dusted and vacuumed quite frequently. Today? The dishes sit o­n the counter till the next day when I tip-toe to the kitchen before the baby wakes so I can get it cleaned and put away, the house is vacuumed just when it looks like it needs it and the dust sits even now several inches thick upon all my furniture. Oh, and did I mention the toilets are not cleaned every single day??
It is hard keeping a house clean with a toddler running underfoot. Especially o­ne that doesn't like the Big Bad Vacuum Cleaner and starts to cry at the site of it. Well, she's getting better about it now, but still.. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to get much done. I find myself sitting down, after the baby has been put down for a nap, and thinking to myself, "I can get the bathroom cleaned, do the dishes, take a nap or read a good book now. Which should I do??" By the time I figure out which o­ne I have the energy to do (or not to do in this case), my daughter wakes up and is ready to go for several more hours! Well, scrap that idea and up I get chasing around after a toddler and playing peek-a-boo. Sometimes, I do choose o­ne of those things and usually it is the nap that I choose to do. So does the house get cleaned? Yah, sometimes. Is it as immaculate as it was before our gem entered our lives? Nope. And you know what? That is just fine!! I treasure each day I have with my daughter and realize that these moments are passing us by so swiftly. It has almost been a year and I can barely remember the day she was born. Everything seems to be going by in such a blur! I truly understand now the phrase "in a blink of an eye"!
There is also a very nice quote that I printed out and put o­n my fridge that I find quite fitting to how things have changed. I would like to share it with you all: "Cleaning and scrubbing can wait 'til tomorrow for babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow. So hide away cobwebs, dust go to sleep, I'm rocking my baby 'cause babies don't keep." (author unknown)
Another quote I truly find fitting is this o­ne: "Cleaning house while kids are growing is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing." (author unknown) I did find myself organizing my daughter's toys. Her dolls go in the basket and everything else in her other basket. Nice and neat! Even the dolls are all sitting upright and smiling at you when you look at the basket. Does it stay that way? No siree! As soon as she wakes up, she tackles her baskets and out comes all her toys. Now that she is toddling around I am finding it hard to contain her mess -uhmm toys, that is- in o­ne room! I hate to admit it, but some nights I just shove it all to o­ne corner and leave it be, knowing full well it will get messed up the next day, so what's the point? The o­nly bad part about not being so careful about picking up all her toys is when you find yourself getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and you step o­n a block. Ouch! So do I organize her toys because of that incident? Uh-uh! I just make sure there is a clear path to the bathroom at all times!! So much for Miss Clean, Neat, and Organized but that's okay! I'd trade that title any day for the title of Mom. Seeing my daughter smile happily each morning when she sees me enter the room lets me know that it's all worth it. Cleaning can wait for another day, week, month or even years. Right now I am going to spend the time I have with my baby girl, the brightest thing in my life thus far.

10 Ways You Can Advocate For Your Child With A Learning Disability

Did you know that you are the most important person in your child's life? Of course you did.

But did you know that parents of children with learning disabilities can also be their child's most effective advocate.

What exactly is an advocate? An advocate is someone who speaks up for someone else, or who acts on behalf of another person. As a parent, you know your child better than anyone else, and you are in the best position to speak for him and act on his behalf.

Here are 10 ways you can do that:

1. Realize from the beginning that advocating for your child takes a lot of time. Advocating involves a great deal of research, meeting time, and communication. That's a given. But the end result will be a successful,responsible, happy young adult who will be able to survive the pitfalls of the real world.

2. Be informed. The more you know about what is going on with your child, the more comfortable you will be in helping others understand him. Here are some ways you can become informed:
a. Read all you can about learning disabilities (especially your child's learning disability).
b. Attend conferences. That's a great way to learn and make contact with other people faced with similar issues.
c. Ask questions - seek answers.
d. Join a support group if there is one available. You can learn a lot from a support group.

3. Become familiar with the rules and regulations that apply to your child's special education program. You request copies of the regulations from your local school district office (the special education office, if your district has one) or from your state Department of Education. If you have difficulty understanding these rules and regulations, don't be afraid to ask the special education director or your child's special education teacher to explain them to you.

4. Work together closely with the professionals who work with your child. This should be done in a positive, cohesive way in order for the child to gain the maximum benefit. Get to know these people - talk with them on a regular basis. Volunteer in the classroom. Don't be afraid to ask for a meeting with the teacher(s) if you see something going on at home that can be helped at school, or vice versa.

5. Keep track of the paperwork that is given to you at the team meetings. This is valuable information that should be kept in an organized place so that you can refer to it easily. If you aren't sure how to do this, talk with the special education director or special education teacher. They have a system to keep the records organized in the office. Perhaps they would share that with you.

6. Don't be afraid to communicate with the professionals. Be prepared when you go to the team meetings, and don't be afraid to calmly and assertively state your views. Take notes into the meeting with you so you won't forget the questions you want to ask or the points you want to make. Remember, the professionals need insight from you as much as you need insight from them. The more communication you have, the more powerful the educational team to help your child.

7. Don't be afraid to ask questions. The field of special education is as complex as your child's needs. Asking questions doesn't mean that you are stupid. It just means that you are interested in your child's education and well- being and want to be an informed parent. You will most likely hear the professionals asking lots of questions as well!!!

8. Keep the lines of communication open with your child. Talk with him about his life both in and outside school. Allow him to express his frustrations, his successes, his disappointments, his hopes, his likes and his dislikes. The better you know your child and what is going on with him, the better you can help other people to work with him.

9. Know your child's strengths and weaknesses and share them with the professionals. Children with learning disabilities, although they have weaker areas, have many strong areas, too. By highlighting these areas, it makes it easier for the professionals to use them as tools to strengthen the weaker skills. It helps them see the child in a more positive light, and it helps them relate to the child. And it helps your child's self-esteem to know that the teachers sees good things in him.

10. Help your child learn to advocate for himself as early as possible. As time goes on, and your child has heard you advocate for him, he will be able to understand how to advocate for himself. If he's heard you say positive things, not only does it increase his self-esteem but it gives him the confidence to speak up for what he needs. Teach him how to communicate how he learns best, what he needs to help him get the most from his classes, and how he feels when confronted with certain issues, such as testing and peer pressure. Give him the power to make his life a success.

You can help your child be able to be a successful, happy, responsible student, well on his way to being the same kind of adult. Advocate for him.

For more plain talk about learning disabilities, please visit us at www.ldperspectives.com.


By Sandy Gauvin